Birthdays always meant holidays that were spent receiving calls and getting ripped off at parties. What birthdays were not supposed to be were complicated days spent scouting around a new city, looking for a place to stay. And just when I thought that this one was going to be as mundane as a birthday can get, some people came along, and made it very special. Another nice surprise when I was least expecting one, that too from people I thought I won't be meeting again, in a place I thought was too far away to be of any consequence to me, and in a way that was outrightly sweet. Just how many times do you have balloons on your birthday that actually say your name in hindi, because someone spent the time and effort to put your name on them. Some people are simply too good, and they make you fall in love with life all over again. Yes, in love I am, and as happy and as excited as I was at 13, waiting to explore the teens. They say the 20's are harder; I say, the harder, the better. Bring it On.
I haven't said it out loud yet, and it seems kind of frightening to say it now too, so I won't. But with another year gone, there's so much that has happened and so much that I've learnt that I can't figure out what to put down and what not to. Life's taught me how to fight and lose, and then fight again. Victory really isn't sweet if it comes without the bitterness of loss. In the past nineteen days, life changed more than it ever did even in past nineteen years.
There is always a design, and it is always perfect. It is the reach of our thought that defines how far we can see, and usually, we don't see too far. It's only when a part of the picture becomes complete, when the boundaries become clear that we realize how meticulously it was planned, it's sheer perfection is dazzling. Now I know why this sem went the way it did. Now I know why I had to be rejected so many times. Because something lay at the end of the tunnel, something that I had always wished for; Something that came late, but did come. Something, called McKinsey.
Failure leads to doubt, and doubt leads to questions. And there's no question that I didn't ask myself in the run up to yesterday. And when I sat for this company, I found it hard to hope, for it had been shattered too often. And just when I thought that it was over, that my doing was done, I realized that it had just begun. Six hours yesterday, gave me the reward of six months of effort.
And now that I have the internship with McKinsey, life seems settled, for now atleast. Looking forward to experiencing the rigours of corporate life, and also to earning some money of my own :D
Twenty minutes before an interview, she chats away to a very nervous guy sitting next to her. Somebody looks at her for the first time and has no particular feeling about it. He talks to her and notices something about her. She is not the kind that he is used to.
She is barely five feet tall, and carries a cross bag that's almost as long as her. She gives a smile as if she's known you for a hundred years, it almost makes him feel special. He looks at her as she chats away, and he notices something more. This girl is damn smart. She can make the most droning convos sound like a Rihanna song, remixed with extra paparazzi and double the emotion. He could listen to her all day and not get tired. She's cute, almost cuddly and now, he has a problem. He likes her, and he can't let go. He can't figure how he could've fallen for her. Maybe it's the way she carries herself, or maybe it's her tomboy attitude. Maybe it's the way she makes him smile, or maybe it's just that when she's around, he doesn't feel the need for anyone else.
His problem had a simple solution, but simplicity had never knocked at his door before. And it wasn't coming now. She had never thought about it like that. Think now!, he almost said to her. Because for a very long time, that's the only thing he had thought.
Take a deep breath right now, and close your mind. Stop thinking. Stop thinking about the bad that happened yesterday, or the good that you're looking forward to. And feel yourself in this particular moment, not dependent on any other, just this moment, just you. Feel at home.
Just how many times do we define our 'today' by the after effects of 'yesterday' or the nervousness of 'tomorrow'. It is reflexive, we (atleast I) are constantly judging whether we are happy or not and the judgement is based on the premises of what was or will be. The continuity is everlasting, if you can't be happy now, you will carry this gloom into the next moment and into your own future.
I am no philosopher, but I can say this, if you want to be happy tomorrow, just dwell in the riches of the present and be happy right now.
Allah ke bande has de, Allah ke bande,
Allah ke bande has de, jo bhi ho kal fir ayega...
God does this to me because he thinks it'll make me stronger, because he thinks I can take it better than most. The funny thing is, I can.
You can make a brave face in front of everyone, the smile is always there for the showing, the careful shrug of the shoulders to show how you didn't care. But it's yourself that you cannot fake or pretend in front of. It's in front of yourself that you're powerless because there's no place to hide, not in front of your own eyes. You can give 'reasons' to others, but your self knows the naked truth and that is what hurts the most. Being alone in times like these is not easy, it's frightening to say the least. It's all inside you, every boil of frustration and there's only one person to take it out on. Yourself.
I recently had a lecture in this room and it turned out to be a very pleasant surprise. It brought back memories of the time I had spent in that room as a freshman. There was something about the second semester, about attending lectures with a panache of doing well, the madness of it all; the naive (mis)understanding of what college life was. The road ahead was blocked, the puzzle totally incomprehensible. And ignorance was bliss.
I couldn't compare that with third year even if I wanted to. The clarity of this place is almost blinding, of knowing what has to be done and precisely how. Life just seems mechanical now (or electronic :P ) because everything we do feels like running a race to leave someone behind. The friendships that happened then are the ones that still stand, rest all has been a bitter face of reality.
I wish it was possible to go back to the innocence of that room, the beauty of being free within those walls. Practicality was never my cup of tea.
It doesn't matter in an examination wether you knew the question paper or wether you studied hard to complete the syllabi. The only that matters is what you write on the answer sheet.
That's how I've been fucking myself for two years now. And I'm going to stop trying.
There is an pessimist that resides in each one of us. And then there is the optimist. Sometimes you look up at the sky and it only appears black; it becomes the boundary you cannot cross. And yet at times you look up, and freedom beckons.
There are so many things that happen around us that define the way we think and who we are. But really, more things happen within us that define what we become and what we make of what we have. If we could only control ourselves, we would realize that controlling the world was never a tough ask. I don't know why it becomes difficult at times to be the optimist or to smile, because as someone once told me "Always remember to have fun and smile, things will seem smaller and much better."
Life is right here, and Life is also a long, long way away.
I waste around half a day everyday sleeping in classes and getting myself through labs in a college that I've given up on. I have started to prepare for my post grad studies which is going to take pretty much the whole of my college life from now on. I am probably going to do my MBA from a good B-School (hopefully, at least) where (from what I hear) spending ten hours a day on your college work isn't enough. And then, I am going to land up some sixteen hours a day kind of jobs with a good pay package for some corporate bigwig where the whole mantra would be to make profit.
That's the plan, and it sucks; Big Time. That's not the life I ever wanted but it seems like I'm not the one making decisions here. Money was never really important, and that's the only thing I might end up with (that too, in a best case scenario).
I mean, last I knew I was still a young guy getting used to college. I'm not even ready to do a professional post grad degree forget doing a job and actually earning money. That's supposed to be far away in the future isn't it, when we become all old and mature and when we finally realize what the 'right thing' is; and yet it seems so woefully close, just a blink away. And I'm afraid to close my eyes because the next thing I see in the mirror might not be me, but a money hungry technocrat working his ass off to deadlines to keep on feeding his greed.
And there's no way out.
As I start this race today, I Pledge that I will have faith, that I will believe. And One Day, I'll be The Best.
I never thought it would be Theodore Bagwell's words that I'll carry with me when the series ends, but here I am, ' a prisoner of my own freedom, caught in the captivity of negativity'. It really didn't mean much when I heard it the first time but it seems so apparent now. We keep telling ourselves that we are free, that no one controls us but our own self. But does it? Every time we run after freedom, it's exactly what we lose. Because we are controlled by it, by our own freedoms, by the fact that we can't sleep till we have it, and we can never have enough of it. And here we are then, prisoners of our own freedoms, enslaved by the very idea that is supposed to set us free. And we can't break out of it, because it's a part of who we are.
We're all the same, in pursuit of a freedom that we can never truly possess, and yet running after it, because that is what we were programmed to be. But it is the pursuit that makes it all worthwhile, not the end, but the means to it. Because we would be men of stone if we didn't fight for it, and it is the fight that makes us believe that we can reach it some day, and it's this fight that we call our life. We can't break out of our own lives, all we can do is fight, and never walk away because as Michael Scoffield says, "All we need, is to have a little faith."
Sem 5 is finally rolling and after two days in college I have no particular feeling about being back there. College has been good, bad and ugly at times but it's never been mundane, and now it seems to be becoming exactly that. There was always something worthwhile to look forward to, something I could keep my mind on, and drag myself through the umpteen classes. Now though it's just classes and when they finally get over for the day, I'm left wondering as to what exactly to do in that place. Wish something cool would come up soon (and by that, I definitely don't mean PecFest).
A lot has been going on apart from college though; gave my MBA scholarship test and very, very surprisingly, I did well enough to earn myself an interview call :D It's scheduled for tomorrow and I'm totally looking forward to it. Interview is one place where someone is sure to get fucked and the whole effort of making sure that that guy isn't you gives me quite a high :P
By the way, we have 4 core subjects this time and 5 subjects in all and the numbers can be quite depressing; but another surprise, most of the subjects seem interesting and even the teachers seem to be a couple of notches above the level we have begun to expect from the so-called PEC University Of Technology (If there was any doubt, no, I don't like the name).
One of the teachers yesterday asked us the one question that is supposed to be a taboo, and it brought back some really stinging memories of last semester; the cg downslide has been quite an issue for the past year and it'll take some serious work to make it respectable again ( Not that I didn't work in the previous semesters!).
Bring On the interview!
This is something I haven't given much thought to, having always been comfortable with my set of friends, and my share of the usual jokes and the fun. But it's suddenly become very apparent and I can't help but wonder where I'm headed. People don't remain the same once they commit to someone, something I learned the hard way with most of my friends. And now if I look around me, majority of the people I call my closest friends are either committed or on the verge of being and it's getting scarier by the day. It's bad enough not being high enough on your best friends' priority list, even worse when you know that you're dependent on them because you yourself can't find a girl 'worthy' enough to hang out with. And that's the whole point. I just can't get myself to hang around with someone just for the sake of it and the perfect girl I keep hoping for just doesn't seem to turn up. It's like I might lose the good girls I know if I keep waiting for the perfect someone, who doesn't exactly exist.
It's like a friend of mine once said: They all look perfect from a distance, but when you get to know them, well, that's another story.
Wish someone could tell me what was going on here :(
As a young boy, I always used to wonder why everything that I enjoyed and really wanted to do was considered inappropriate and futile. Why everything I, or any man for that matter, wanted from my life was not the right thing, and I was supposed to do things they considered right. It's a question that plagues most of us initially, but then we get used to the practical way of life and forget about such mundane things as 'our' happiness and 'our' enjoyment. We should live for other's happiness, they say, because it is virtuous. But is it?
This is one of the many questions The Fountainhead asks and it leaves you wondering. Wondering and questioning every ideal you have ever encountered, every lesson you ever learnt, everything you ever considered to be right.
I cannot sit here and mention any adjective that would suffice to define or describe what the book is, or what it can do to you. Books are supposed to do a number of things to you, but they are not supposed to be inconvenient, and they are not supposed to make you feel inadequate. This one does, but it's not the only thing it does.
If I had to quote any 'special' lines from the book, I could so much as go on and quote the whole book. Every word is important; every sentence, a treat to read. This isn't one of those books you read to find out what happens next, but for the pleasure of every word, perfectly put precisely where it was needed. The sentences flow from one to the next, the story grips you to sit through it, the philosophy makes you question every belief you ever had, and yet, none of it is overdone. If you haven't read this, you cannot know what brilliance is, or what it can be. This book gives you a perspective that you couldn't have had before. Read it for the unforgettable experience it is bound to give you, just as it gave me.
It's been a long time and I've had nothing much to talk about, except a training and a coaching class that keep me busier than I am during the semester. Things have been going on, some of them not all that boring, and yet I just don't feel like mentioning anything. Damn, what's gotten into me. Bugger!
There is always a bigger plan they say, a master design. My mind says I can't understand it. And my heart says I don't need to.
Let's just keep going till we can.
And we can always cross the bridge when we get to it :D
Let's just keep going till we can.
And we can always cross the bridge when we get to it :D
The waves that once crashed in the sea,
would leave their mark for everyone to see.
They might die down, never to rise again.
But the stories they once witnessed
would always be passed among the brethren.
Stories of love and stories of joy,
stories of glory, and of the times gone by.
Time may fly, and memories might fade,
But the love shall remain,
in the hearts of the lucky few, who witnessed those days.
You move on, you take the road ahead,
But never forget this place, where you once used to tread.
And never forget us, the ones you leave behind.
As I would never forget you,
because you were as good a friend, as any could ever find.
With that message, I say adieu.
May our friendship forever remain so true.
May our friendship forever remain so true.
The final goodbye was always a step away. There was always one more meeting to look forward to before that dreaded moment of farewell. The moment came, and then it flew away. And it left nothing behind, except a hope. A hope that maybe we will be fortunate enough to meet again, that maybe our paths will cross one day. A hope that this really wasn't the final goodbye. And as someone pointed out, we say goodbye only to meet again, and we can make it happen if we really want to. This time, I know I will make it happen.
It's hard to accept the truth staring right in my face. They won't be there in college anymore. No more will I rush through my boring classes looking forward to meet them. The cycle is complete, the end has ended. And no matter how hard I might try, it won't change a thing. It is as hopeless as any situation could be. And yet, you find hope in the darkest of times. I too, have one little hope to cling on to, the convocation.
There is so much you want to say at such a time, and yet there is no word that would come when you need it to. You just look at each other, and you know that they understand what you want to say. That one look says a lot more than a thousand words could ever mean.
I loved them, and I will miss them more than they could ever imagine. And today, its a pledge I take. That no matter how busy I might get, I will always make the effort to keep in touch. They may or may not reply all the time, but I'll never let them forget that there's someone they left behind here, someone who cares. Someone who loves them, and will always do. May our friendship forever remain so true.
"Those were the best days of my life......"
And the song ended. A lot, that moment, ended with the song. And it was this unknown feeling that drove that time, and it left me surprised. I'm not even close to being a good dancer, but that moment was passion. Passion, like I've never known within me ever before. I broke my breath shouting, and almost broke my legs jumping. But as it so rightly says in the song, it was now or never, and I gave it everything I had in me. To have that one last dance with people I so love. The dance left me more than exhausted but I'm so sure that I would have stood up and danced again, had I gotten a chance, no matter what. And I'll say it again. It was passion like I've never known within me ever before.
The semester too, came to an end. And as I look back now, it seemed to last forever. And even forever wasn't good enough. We could have spent lifetimes with each other, and it wouldn't have been enough.
But no matter what I did this semester, I know that I gave it my all. Wether it was the project, college acads, or anything else that I did. I did it, and I did it with all that I had in me. The results were never really in my hand, and I'll be getting very bad ones this time. But still, I know, that even in hindsight, I could not have scripted it better than what it actually was. To hell with every C grade I'm getting, and to hell with college. I fought, and that leaves me very satisfied. This might seem like too much of an exaggeration, but this sem has been nothing less than that.
With all the pressures and all the tension, this semester gave me some awesome friends and for that, I can't be thankful enough to God.
And the song ended. A lot, that moment, ended with the song. And it was this unknown feeling that drove that time, and it left me surprised. I'm not even close to being a good dancer, but that moment was passion. Passion, like I've never known within me ever before. I broke my breath shouting, and almost broke my legs jumping. But as it so rightly says in the song, it was now or never, and I gave it everything I had in me. To have that one last dance with people I so love. The dance left me more than exhausted but I'm so sure that I would have stood up and danced again, had I gotten a chance, no matter what. And I'll say it again. It was passion like I've never known within me ever before.
The semester too, came to an end. And as I look back now, it seemed to last forever. And even forever wasn't good enough. We could have spent lifetimes with each other, and it wouldn't have been enough.
But no matter what I did this semester, I know that I gave it my all. Wether it was the project, college acads, or anything else that I did. I did it, and I did it with all that I had in me. The results were never really in my hand, and I'll be getting very bad ones this time. But still, I know, that even in hindsight, I could not have scripted it better than what it actually was. To hell with every C grade I'm getting, and to hell with college. I fought, and that leaves me very satisfied. This might seem like too much of an exaggeration, but this sem has been nothing less than that.
With all the pressures and all the tension, this semester gave me some awesome friends and for that, I can't be thankful enough to God.
This is turning out to be a pretty long post, but I guess there's too much to say. I'm home right now, and that's after almost 2 days. This isn't who I was. I'm not someone who goes for nightouts very often and I'm not someone who misses other people if they are leaving. For some reason, it's all happening this semester. And I'm definitely not the same guy I was at the beginning of this semester. It is end of May, and yes, I know the answers I was once so unsure about.
Just when he thought he could live, God would give him another reason not to.
He would get up and move forward to seek what he so blindly desired. His impatience multiplying with every step, his eager eyes running wild within those tiny sockets and with a heart filled with anticipation, he would move forward to embrace happiness. The dagger would come out of nowhere, and it would peirce through his very heart. Stroke after stroke, precisely where it pained the most. And it was not blood that would flow, but tears, not where another soul could see them, or even his own. But he knew somewhere inside he was bleeding tears, and it was not the pain that worried him, but the eternal stains that would now be left behind. Stains that tied him to the present, keeping him there, stagnant, when the present became the past.
And just as the dagger had once come, unforeseen, there would be light again, beckoning him, untying him from all that was old, making him move towards what was new. And then he would move forward to embrace what he so blindly desired.
The master would play his game again, the inexorable cycle once set in motion. He would move forward with a new courage, a newer hope, but would still carry with him the old stains, everlasting and unforgotten.
He would get up and move forward to seek what he so blindly desired. His impatience multiplying with every step, his eager eyes running wild within those tiny sockets and with a heart filled with anticipation, he would move forward to embrace happiness. The dagger would come out of nowhere, and it would peirce through his very heart. Stroke after stroke, precisely where it pained the most. And it was not blood that would flow, but tears, not where another soul could see them, or even his own. But he knew somewhere inside he was bleeding tears, and it was not the pain that worried him, but the eternal stains that would now be left behind. Stains that tied him to the present, keeping him there, stagnant, when the present became the past.
And just as the dagger had once come, unforeseen, there would be light again, beckoning him, untying him from all that was old, making him move towards what was new. And then he would move forward to embrace what he so blindly desired.
The master would play his game again, the inexorable cycle once set in motion. He would move forward with a new courage, a newer hope, but would still carry with him the old stains, everlasting and unforgotten.
Because 'everything' wasn't good enough for her, God decided to give her a lot more. Everyone gets their share of good times, but there are very few, who deserve a lot more than just their usual set of joys. And when you are witness to one such moment, you can only watch dumbstruck as the master reveals his mystery; you can only look in awe at the miracle unfolding right in front of your eyes. There is a sense of happiness because someone finally got what they had to, but it is not so much about the result, more so about the path that lead to the result. Two hours today, changed someone's life and it changed the way I look at life. It made me believe. Yes, miracles happen. You just have to try hard enough, and long enough.
Someone, in a very very polite way and without ever saying a thing showed me today how much I suck at writing.
There are basically three things on my mind right now,
1. The semester is over, and this is such a relief. No more projects, no more assignments.
2. The end sems are upon me, and I have not a shred of doubt that I'll perform very badly in them.
3. There are people very important to me, people who won't be there in a few days from now, and I want to make the most of these last few days.
I don't get emotionally attached with people easily and this feeling has come to haunt me when I least expected it too. I won't have spared a thought for some of them a year ago, and yet they are so important now. It pains to see them go. It pains me to think about the next semester, so uselessly empty without their presence. These are the last times I'll ever get to spend with them, and yet I'm not so sure I want to. Spending time brings us even more close all the time, and that would make it even harder for me to let them go, when they finally have to. It's like being torn between what you want and what is the higher purpose. This sucks man. This so so sucks.
It took three sleepless nights. 72 hours. And then the LED lit up my life. I'm ecstatic :D
Let us do away with everything we call life. Let us release everything that holds us back. Let us let go of all our wants. Let us close our eyes and feel the music in every sound, experience the rhythm of the world around. Let us open our eyes to the beauty of what we have. Let us let go of the complications that cloud our mind. Let us not remember the unanswered questions. Let us know only one truth, that we are here, so lets make the most of it. Lets allow peace to reach us for once. Let it flow through our body, let it stay. Lets smile, for no particular reason. Let us not care what they might think. Let us do away with everything we call life. And lets, live.
I'll really miss these days when they are over, I'll really miss these people when they are no longer there. This is one thing I never wanted to think about, and yet everytime I laugh out with them, I'm reminded of the impending end. And then the laughter dies down, and there's this feeling of not being in control. If only, they could stay. To hell with practicality.
My exhausted self tells me I'm dying for the semester to end, and yet my heart tells me that I would go on. No matter how many useless projects, assignments and tests I might have to give again and again. I would go on and keep doing that, for them. For that one more smile that I might get a chance to share with them. For that one more piece of advice that I could get from them. For that one more instant when we could make fun of ourselves, and laugh out, as if there is no tomorrow.
Life gives you these lows when you least expect them. There seems to be nothing wrong about the way things are going, and yet everything about life seems wrong. There's this heaviness you can't let go of, as if something within you stops you from behaving the way you want to, stops you from laughing out loudly, from doing things cheerfully and enjoying them. I need a break and I can't have one. Everything seems to have halted. I'm waiting for a little something to bring me back on track, to get me moving again, a little something that could actually make me smile. *makes a wish
I haven't had a single class since sessionals ended. Life's been more about thinking than action these past few days. I've been constantly pressurizing myself about the projects that still need to be done and it doesn't help. Thinking about it only makes it bad. Thinking and not doing anything about it makes it even worse. I've destroyed quite a few of my days worrying about it, days that could've definitely been spent better. It was so much better last semester, when everything was done on the last day. Atleast I didn't have to worry about it before that. I've spent half my time thinking about it this time, and the work would still get done only on the last day. What shit.
The big project day is approaching fast. 21st is suddenly so close. There's still work to be done. But we've come so far, I guess we'll take it through now. Funny everyone is so sure it'll be fine, and yet everyone is so nervous about it, including me :P I've stretched myself too far to let go now. I just hope it all goes well, as everyone thinks it will.
They had wings. They had wings, and they were flying. He felt freedom like never before as current after current of fresh air swiped across his face. He spread out his arms to feel the liberation. He closed his eyes to feel the gusts of wind, as they made paths to pass through his curly strands. It was a long road, and an even longer night. It was his new bike, and it was his best friend at the helm of it.
It was quiet all around, before they passed and after it. But it was as if they radiated their energy to the place, for a split second as they passed through it, and for that moment, everything sprung to life, before fading again into lifelessness.
He was enjoying every moment as he lived it, never knowing that his last wasn't far away. He never realized when it happened. He was whizzing past on his bike one instant, and he was lying on the road, in the next. He didn't feel any pain, though the stickiness of the blood on his face told him that all was not well. He saw his friend lying a foot away from him, unmoved, lifeless as everything else around.
And then he remembered her. He had always thought he would tell her one day, and now that day would never come. He wanted to shout out, he wanted to let her know. But even his bleeding brain told him that his screams would be lost, that she would never know. Blood was constantly dripping from his forehead now, he knew he had very little time. He had let go of too many chances, he didn't want to let go of his last one. He looked at the pool of blood around him and searched for a means to say what he had always wanted to. And then he found it. Two minutes later, he looked at the shining surface of the road and he knew that he could let go now, that now, she would know. He smiled at what he had done, and then he closed his eyes, forever.
There, etched on that deathly road was the love that had flowed through his veins since he had seen her, written in the blood that had flowed through his veins...
Love Pari.
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you.
Over again, Don't make me change my mind.
Or I won't live to see another day, I swear it's true.
Because a girl like you is impossible to find, you're impossible to find.
To love her with all I could, and just, to love her with all I could.
I've got a maths book open in front of me as I write this. I have no idea why I switched on my laptop, and I have no idea what to put down. It's sessionals again, and no, even after two years in college, I haven't gotten used to them. That's understandable, since it's been fifteen years and I still haven't got used to studying. College's been hectic as usual but the only thing worrying me right now is that it's been quite a time since I had a crush on anyone. I don't normally have these lows when there isn't anyone whose 'cuteness' I could acknowledge or whom I could think about.
Anyways, I'd rather concentrate on my sessionals.
When I joined college, I had no idea what to expect, no idea which clubs to apply for. Basically, I had no idea what life to chose for myself. Bless that school friend of mine who had told me that being in Les Amis was considered cool and that last minute motivation which made me come for an interview that I was certain to miss. And today, when I look back, I can easily say that any descripition of my college life would be completely incomplete without the mention of this organization, without the mention of days like today, which could not have happened without Les Amis. I don't think I've ever laughed harder than what I did today, or for a longer time either. This is one day I'm not forgetting very soon.This was so much more than anything I could have ever expected.
People in college, my friends included, might have varying opinions about Les Amis, not all good. I respect them for what they think, but it really doesn't matter. What matters is that this organization is one of the best things that happened to me since I joined college. What matters is that Les Amis is so much more important than any rude remarks that anyone might make about it.
I don't really know why I never mentioned this on this blog before. I guess I was saving it all for a special day, like today :)
It took just one look in the mirror, and I knew. Its very easy to find faults in others, though equally hard to accept your follies. Girls or guys, there are very few people I can truly call friends. They have their weaknesses, but I can't forget that they accept me with mine, so I need to do the same. Point taken. Relief :-D
By the end of May this year, this will all be over. And I'll know something then, something I'm dying to find out right now. Did I stretch myself too far? Is this the limit?
While idly looking at Natalie Martinez's wallpaper on my laptop screen I came up with this line that seems to define me completely- To do everything you possibly could, and dazzle everyone once it's done. I've been following this mantra without ever realizing it. I would take up every challenge that comes my way, and when it gets too difficult, I'd tell myself that it'll be fine. That I'll manage, like I always do. That in the end when it's over, I'll come out on the brighter side. But this time, it seems to have gone too far. There's too much to do, some things that I chose to, some things that I have to. I'm not the one to back out, but I will be very surprised if I end up justifying my presence in everything that I have to do. And yet just when I start getting all pessimistic, I'm reminded of this another line, something I though of sometime back-Limits exist for those who limit their minds. In limitless thinking, lies limitless growth. I'm not sure what to believe in, but I guess I'll know when May arrives, when this will all be over.
By the way, there's another thing I've realised in these past few days. This might give my friends all the opportunities to crack gay jokes on me, but I do believe that guys are much better friends than girls could ever be. They might make fun of you at times, and we might be rude to each other always but I know, that they'll be there when I need them to be. While on the other hand, I completely fail to understand why girls have to act all mushy all the time. They'll get offended by the slightest change in the tone of your voice but it's OK if they are the ones being rude. You'll have to say sorry no matter whose fault it was and they'll conviniently pretend that they don't understand a thing. You have to stop if they don't feel like talking but you're being impolite if you don't always reply the way they want you to. They'll be nosy about everything (including your meals, ewwww) and they'll proudly say that they're simply being caring towards you.
But I guess, they're still my friends nonetheless. Can't really make up my mind on this issue.. :P
Indian movies are not meant to be what Dev.D was. It takes guts to show women as this one did, and it takes guts to show reality as this one does. It was hard, and it was real. You might end up calling it an adult film, but the story is so much more than just that.
For once, the songs weren't a liability on the movie. For once, the director bothered more about what he wanted to potray than the sensibility of the veiwer. It was creativity at it's very best.
Deserves every fragment of the 5 stars that have been bestowed upon it.
I really don't want to start this post with endless references to the number of projects that need to be done, or the amount of work I need to complete, but really, that's the only thing going on right now. Today, I finally sat down to objectively find out exactly what needs to be done. Needless to say, the list was huge, and it's right now sitting pretty on the front of my cupboard, visible everytime I look up from the monitor screen. So every few minutes, this page of paper reminds me of the hopeless situation I'm in, and the only chance I have of getting any of this done is to stop writing this post and getting started. But I'm obviously not going to do that. I'm going to sit here and write useless stuff about monotonous days that don't even deserve a mention.
I'm not someone to talk about others behind their backs but I've been audience to something similar for quite some time now, and no, I don't like it much. Really don't know what I can do about it though. The culprit is a friend, and he's just the way he is. There's no point trying to stop him, I'd much rather climb the Mount Everest. :P
Everything else is just the same. Romantic and Academic prospects are as bleak as ever.
Lord, when does the sun shine on me, if ever ?
I swear that this time I will stand up.
Not for what I believe in, but for what I don't.
This time I will vote.Not for, but against.
Against my own helplessness.
Against my own laziness.
Against two words called 'Chalta hai'.
Against powerless inquiry comissions, and powerful vote banks.
Against religion in politics, and politics in religion.
Against every cynic, every non believer.
Against the belief that nothing will change.
Against the feeling that my vote cannot make a difference.
Against every excuse for not voting.
I will do this withtout fear or shame.
Because only by voting against all that is destroying our todays,
will I give my children something to vote for tomorrow.
I could use a number of adjectives to describe myself but 'crazy' won't be one of them. And yet today turned out to be exactly that. Not the usual crazy stuff you end up doing in college but something very refreshing.
If you've ever visited the Pinjore gardens you would've probably seen the twelve feel high wall at the rear end, the passage to which leads through this huge mess of tress. At about ten in the night, that's two hours ago, I was standing on top of that wall and looking to a world beyond. I think I would never have done that but there's this friend of mine whose got all the guts in the world and he pushes me to do stuff I can never imagine myself doing. You get this eerie feeling while doing something crazy, as if every muscle in your body has conspired to make you let go, when your mind tells you to do the right thing and stop, but you've come too far to let go, and you get on with it anyway. And just when you think that you can't, you get this last gust of energy and suddenly, you're there. It's then that you realise what you've just done. And it feels like a battle won, a fear conquered.
But conquering the fear wasn't the end, rather it was just the beginning. After all the wall climbing, we had a quite dinner, and just when I thought that it was time to go back home, I realised the car keys were missing and I'd somehow dropped them at the ghastly place. And when I ran to get 'em back, it was fear as I had never really known it. Not of ghosts or animals, but of a truth staring right at my face. If the keys had fallen on the other side of the wall, there was no way back home. I was stuck and I could do nothing about it. But I'm home now, so that means I found the keys. As they shimmered in the fading moonlight which could just make it's way through the dense trees, I realised i wouldn't have been happier even if I had ended up locating a diamond. Reminds me of a some lyrics from a song called Affirmation 'You don't know what you got until it says goodbye'. And of all the things in the world, it had to be some stupid car keys. *Sighs*
It took nine desperate hours to put the circuit together the first time. Seemed good. Good enough to give me a peaceful sleep that night, only to wake me up to the horror of broken wires the next morning, their loose ends visible just like the ones my life was developing that instant. It was bad, and it made me tear the whole circuit apart.
And then Mr.'Frustrated' PD started again. Same old circuit with new wires and a new design. It's been five agonizing hours and finally the whole circuit looks like one piece, and well, so does my life. By the way, the circuit isn't acting the way it's supposed to (I wouldn't be writing this if it was), or rather, I should say the circuit isn't acting at all. I guess someone might say that it's a waste of five hours, but funnily enough, that's not the case. Our very respected college Professors are dumb, dumb enough to be fooled with a non-working circuit. It's been done before, and will be done again tomorrow. Atleast I've got something visible to show her, and that should turn out to be enough. But that's not the point. It's taken fourteen hours to get this done, hours which could have been spent doing much more useful (read, useless) stuff :P
Whoever adviced me to take Electronics. And whoever said Engineering was easy.
Feels good to be writing again. If anyone was wondering, my blog isn't dead, and neither am I. It's just been so long and there's been so much to write. Everytime something happened I would make a mental note of puttting in on my blog when my net connection finally worked, but suddenly sitting here right now, I don't feel like writing anything much.
Exams are over, and I completely sucked. After all the plans me and Raunaq made of redeeming our last semester's grades, I'm at a loss to say how it ended up being so bad. I studied, and that's the worst part of it. But atleast they are over, good for me.
My parents have seriously started doubting that I'm going out with someone after all the long hours in college, though unfortunately, that's not the case. I could only think of the Nokia N series tagline when my mum asked what keeps me in college so late. It's not one thing, I told her, it's many :P
The only apparent thing about my life right now is that I don't have one. Between the tens of projects that need to be completed and an even greater number of lectures that need to be attended, I miss lazing around uselessly at the cafe. I'm not sure if I want to sacrifice my college life for my 'greater good' anymore. But I guess it'll payoff someday, or rather, I hope it will.
Exams are over, and I completely sucked. After all the plans me and Raunaq made of redeeming our last semester's grades, I'm at a loss to say how it ended up being so bad. I studied, and that's the worst part of it. But atleast they are over, good for me.
My parents have seriously started doubting that I'm going out with someone after all the long hours in college, though unfortunately, that's not the case. I could only think of the Nokia N series tagline when my mum asked what keeps me in college so late. It's not one thing, I told her, it's many :P
The only apparent thing about my life right now is that I don't have one. Between the tens of projects that need to be completed and an even greater number of lectures that need to be attended, I miss lazing around uselessly at the cafe. I'm not sure if I want to sacrifice my college life for my 'greater good' anymore. But I guess it'll payoff someday, or rather, I hope it will.
It's tough, it's hectic, it's fun and it's mindblowing. It's life. Life for me, more or less, means college now, and finally things seem settled for the semester. A lot's been going on, most of it good. People and places have kept me busy, I've barely had to time to breathe. But that's the way I love it. Fast, challenging, fun. The spirit's high right now since I've almost done whatever I was supposed to for this week. I'm happy and that's rare :P. Though I make it a point now to feel good, to like what I do and appreciate everything around me. Try it, believe me it's good. :D
Everything's good. Hope it stays that way.
By the way, the OST of Dehli-6 is absolutely fab. MUST LISTEN!
Everything's good. Hope it stays that way.
By the way, the OST of Dehli-6 is absolutely fab. MUST LISTEN!
Masti hai masalon ki Dilli Dilli,
Gali hai deewanon ki Dilli-6.
Gali hai deewanon ki Dilli-6.
He had been dead before, and he was dead now. He had been dead before he had jumped and yes, he was definitely dead now. Children around him had grown up attempting to understand everything their lives had to offer; the security of a family, the love of a sibling, the innocence of youth and every other emotion that colored their lives. His eyes had never felt colors, or beauty, and so his heart had accepted darkness as a part of life. And death was the only thing he had ever truly understood about life. It had been his mother and sisters first, raped and burned alive. Then it had been his father. That was when he had died, only that his breath hadn’t left him.
He had been too young to understand religion then. And he had never really been sure ‘which’ people had destroyed his family and with it, his life. The anger and the tears had led to loneliness. Alone, he had been incapable of everything. But life always finds a way. His mind taught him to steal, and his mindset taught him to survive.
The meeting with the messengers had been a coincidence. They said they had a message for him, a message sent by God. They had made him remember his grief. The scene of his family’s death had always flashed in front of his eyes, but never before had it been so clear. His pain had never before been so apparent, his mind, never so obsessed. They spoke of retribution, and revenge. He had been powerless when they had been killed, but the messengers could give him power now. They spoke of the revolution, and sacrifice. He had been chosen for heaven by God himself, but before that, he had a final duty to perform. He had to avenge his family’s death. ’They’ had to be killed. His mind was a blank slate, and the messengers left no stone unturned to fill it with a deadly vengeance.
The training was grilling, but it gave him a reason to breathe, a reason to be. He was explained his final duty. The bomb would explode on sudden impact with the ground, they told him. His means of revenge, and of reaching heaven was strapped around his body. For the first time in his life, he anticipated something. Revenge was sweet.
There was never a dearth of visitors in the valley. The orange of the sun filled the sky as the vibrancy of life filled the air. The hills separated the valley from the waters on the other side. Everything from the setting exuded tranquility. Except for the man on top of the hills, bound by revenge. He felt the soft rubber across his chest, his key to freedom. All that was left to do now was to jump. The young child in the valley looked up at him for an instant, and then went back to playing with his car. It was then that he jumped. The hills were high, and gravity just didn’t seem fast enough. It was as if he was gliding through the air, reaching his final destination. And he was happy, because he knew he had done the right thing. He closed his eyes just before the final impact and smiled his first smile in a long time, and his last.
The young child was completely engrossed with his red car. The cold air from the mountains blew across his young face, and there wasn’t a care in the world. He looked up at the sudden noise of splashing waters that vibrated through the air. His brain was too young to comprehend that a man had just fallen into the lake beyond the hills, or even that his innocent smile to a stranger on the hilltop had changed the fate of many around him, or that his innocent look had made someone realize that this was not the enemy he was seeking, neither was this the conclusion he had ever anticipated. The sudden noise was forgotten. His wonderful red car was so much more important.
Every day when you open your eyes to a new beginning and life beckons. Every day when you create new memories. The smallest of gestures; when you look across the street and smile at that stranger. When you sit in the canteen with people you can call friends. When you don't have to say anything, it's there presence that reassures you, that they'll be there when you need them. Every time you walk, run and do what you wish to because you can. Every instant you think of that wonderful girl you truly love. Every minute when you don't have to bother about spending because you were blessed with the power to. Every day when you have a fight with your family and then you can't sleep until you've made up with them. Every time you have a bad day and you know that you have a comforting home to go back to. Every moment that you breathe, moments that make up your life. Every moment, believe. Believe that you're truly blessed, that things could have been so much worse. And thank everyone who makes your life special. People who gave you moments you would never forget. The smallest instances in your life when someone was there to cheer you up. The most ordinary of times that witnessed the creation of the most extraordinary bonds. And then Thank God for everything that you have, for this wonderful gift.
Here's Thanking all of you. Thank you so much for being there. And Thank You God!
They walked a very fine line,
the grey between the dark and bright.
He sometimes wondered why she felt so right.
Though love, he knew, it never was
and yet hate, it could not be,
‘cause hate just could not lead to such a wonderful cause.
A wine was poured, a coin was tossed
and it stood on its edge.
He almost smiled,
as the judgment proved his precocious thoughts.
She had been there all along,
had always been the wonderful friend,
and yet, he was tired of the gruesome trend.
Her happiness was a priority
and yet he couldn’t neglect his own any longer.
He had fallen before,
but the wounds had only made him stronger.
He wanted to know, he wanted to know.
The curiosity within him could no longer grow.
Did she love him,
or was it just a fake intuition?
He wanted to cross the bridge
without any hope or expectation.
Love me, he asked her,
or hate me, if you must.
An answer is all my heart yearns for
and it feels no less than a ruckus.
This fine line, I can no longer tread.
To nowhere, can it ever lead.
She just looked at him, and tried to smile.
There was nothing she could say,
the answer had always lain in her eyes.
It’s been hectic and at the end of it all there’s nothing much we left behind, just a few memories, a few laughs that we had shared within those walls, three stones and a dustbin. My room had been a part of everything I am, my best and my worst. That’s the place I saw my class 10 result in and, for the first time in my life, felt a sense of achievement. It’s the same room that saw me go through the frustrations of non medical and still emerge defeated at the end. Those walls were a part of me, the part that did not come along but was left behind. I have a somewhat bigger room now but it’s not mine, not yet, at least. I guess I’ll get used to it, as I’ll get used to walking up and down the stairs all the time. But I’ll still miss my room, and my house that now possesses a part of me, three stones and a dustbin.
