Life gives you these lows when you least expect them. There seems to be nothing wrong about the way things are going, and yet everything about life seems wrong. There's this heaviness you can't let go of, as if something within you stops you from behaving the way you want to, stops you from laughing out loudly, from doing things cheerfully and enjoying them. I need a break and I can't have one. Everything seems to have halted. I'm waiting for a little something to bring me back on track, to get me moving again, a little something that could actually make me smile. *makes a wish
I haven't had a single class since sessionals ended. Life's been more about thinking than action these past few days. I've been constantly pressurizing myself about the projects that still need to be done and it doesn't help. Thinking about it only makes it bad. Thinking and not doing anything about it makes it even worse. I've destroyed quite a few of my days worrying about it, days that could've definitely been spent better. It was so much better last semester, when everything was done on the last day. Atleast I didn't have to worry about it before that. I've spent half my time thinking about it this time, and the work would still get done only on the last day. What shit.
The big project day is approaching fast. 21st is suddenly so close. There's still work to be done. But we've come so far, I guess we'll take it through now. Funny everyone is so sure it'll be fine, and yet everyone is so nervous about it, including me :P I've stretched myself too far to let go now. I just hope it all goes well, as everyone thinks it will.
They had wings. They had wings, and they were flying. He felt freedom like never before as current after current of fresh air swiped across his face. He spread out his arms to feel the liberation. He closed his eyes to feel the gusts of wind, as they made paths to pass through his curly strands. It was a long road, and an even longer night. It was his new bike, and it was his best friend at the helm of it.
It was quiet all around, before they passed and after it. But it was as if they radiated their energy to the place, for a split second as they passed through it, and for that moment, everything sprung to life, before fading again into lifelessness.
He was enjoying every moment as he lived it, never knowing that his last wasn't far away. He never realized when it happened. He was whizzing past on his bike one instant, and he was lying on the road, in the next. He didn't feel any pain, though the stickiness of the blood on his face told him that all was not well. He saw his friend lying a foot away from him, unmoved, lifeless as everything else around.
And then he remembered her. He had always thought he would tell her one day, and now that day would never come. He wanted to shout out, he wanted to let her know. But even his bleeding brain told him that his screams would be lost, that she would never know. Blood was constantly dripping from his forehead now, he knew he had very little time. He had let go of too many chances, he didn't want to let go of his last one. He looked at the pool of blood around him and searched for a means to say what he had always wanted to. And then he found it. Two minutes later, he looked at the shining surface of the road and he knew that he could let go now, that now, she would know. He smiled at what he had done, and then he closed his eyes, forever.
There, etched on that deathly road was the love that had flowed through his veins since he had seen her, written in the blood that had flowed through his veins...
Love Pari.
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you.
Over again, Don't make me change my mind.
Or I won't live to see another day, I swear it's true.
Because a girl like you is impossible to find, you're impossible to find.
To love her with all I could, and just, to love her with all I could.
I've got a maths book open in front of me as I write this. I have no idea why I switched on my laptop, and I have no idea what to put down. It's sessionals again, and no, even after two years in college, I haven't gotten used to them. That's understandable, since it's been fifteen years and I still haven't got used to studying. College's been hectic as usual but the only thing worrying me right now is that it's been quite a time since I had a crush on anyone. I don't normally have these lows when there isn't anyone whose 'cuteness' I could acknowledge or whom I could think about.
Anyways, I'd rather concentrate on my sessionals.
When I joined college, I had no idea what to expect, no idea which clubs to apply for. Basically, I had no idea what life to chose for myself. Bless that school friend of mine who had told me that being in Les Amis was considered cool and that last minute motivation which made me come for an interview that I was certain to miss. And today, when I look back, I can easily say that any descripition of my college life would be completely incomplete without the mention of this organization, without the mention of days like today, which could not have happened without Les Amis. I don't think I've ever laughed harder than what I did today, or for a longer time either. This is one day I'm not forgetting very soon.This was so much more than anything I could have ever expected.
People in college, my friends included, might have varying opinions about Les Amis, not all good. I respect them for what they think, but it really doesn't matter. What matters is that this organization is one of the best things that happened to me since I joined college. What matters is that Les Amis is so much more important than any rude remarks that anyone might make about it.
I don't really know why I never mentioned this on this blog before. I guess I was saving it all for a special day, like today :)
It took just one look in the mirror, and I knew. Its very easy to find faults in others, though equally hard to accept your follies. Girls or guys, there are very few people I can truly call friends. They have their weaknesses, but I can't forget that they accept me with mine, so I need to do the same. Point taken. Relief :-D
By the end of May this year, this will all be over. And I'll know something then, something I'm dying to find out right now. Did I stretch myself too far? Is this the limit?
While idly looking at Natalie Martinez's wallpaper on my laptop screen I came up with this line that seems to define me completely- To do everything you possibly could, and dazzle everyone once it's done. I've been following this mantra without ever realizing it. I would take up every challenge that comes my way, and when it gets too difficult, I'd tell myself that it'll be fine. That I'll manage, like I always do. That in the end when it's over, I'll come out on the brighter side. But this time, it seems to have gone too far. There's too much to do, some things that I chose to, some things that I have to. I'm not the one to back out, but I will be very surprised if I end up justifying my presence in everything that I have to do. And yet just when I start getting all pessimistic, I'm reminded of this another line, something I though of sometime back-Limits exist for those who limit their minds. In limitless thinking, lies limitless growth. I'm not sure what to believe in, but I guess I'll know when May arrives, when this will all be over.
By the way, there's another thing I've realised in these past few days. This might give my friends all the opportunities to crack gay jokes on me, but I do believe that guys are much better friends than girls could ever be. They might make fun of you at times, and we might be rude to each other always but I know, that they'll be there when I need them to be. While on the other hand, I completely fail to understand why girls have to act all mushy all the time. They'll get offended by the slightest change in the tone of your voice but it's OK if they are the ones being rude. You'll have to say sorry no matter whose fault it was and they'll conviniently pretend that they don't understand a thing. You have to stop if they don't feel like talking but you're being impolite if you don't always reply the way they want you to. They'll be nosy about everything (including your meals, ewwww) and they'll proudly say that they're simply being caring towards you.
But I guess, they're still my friends nonetheless. Can't really make up my mind on this issue.. :P
Indian movies are not meant to be what Dev.D was. It takes guts to show women as this one did, and it takes guts to show reality as this one does. It was hard, and it was real. You might end up calling it an adult film, but the story is so much more than just that.
For once, the songs weren't a liability on the movie. For once, the director bothered more about what he wanted to potray than the sensibility of the veiwer. It was creativity at it's very best.
Deserves every fragment of the 5 stars that have been bestowed upon it.
I really don't want to start this post with endless references to the number of projects that need to be done, or the amount of work I need to complete, but really, that's the only thing going on right now. Today, I finally sat down to objectively find out exactly what needs to be done. Needless to say, the list was huge, and it's right now sitting pretty on the front of my cupboard, visible everytime I look up from the monitor screen. So every few minutes, this page of paper reminds me of the hopeless situation I'm in, and the only chance I have of getting any of this done is to stop writing this post and getting started. But I'm obviously not going to do that. I'm going to sit here and write useless stuff about monotonous days that don't even deserve a mention.
I'm not someone to talk about others behind their backs but I've been audience to something similar for quite some time now, and no, I don't like it much. Really don't know what I can do about it though. The culprit is a friend, and he's just the way he is. There's no point trying to stop him, I'd much rather climb the Mount Everest. :P
Everything else is just the same. Romantic and Academic prospects are as bleak as ever.
Lord, when does the sun shine on me, if ever ?
I swear that this time I will stand up.
Not for what I believe in, but for what I don't.
This time I will vote.Not for, but against.
Against my own helplessness.
Against my own laziness.
Against two words called 'Chalta hai'.
Against powerless inquiry comissions, and powerful vote banks.
Against religion in politics, and politics in religion.
Against every cynic, every non believer.
Against the belief that nothing will change.
Against the feeling that my vote cannot make a difference.
Against every excuse for not voting.
I will do this withtout fear or shame.
Because only by voting against all that is destroying our todays,
will I give my children something to vote for tomorrow.
I could use a number of adjectives to describe myself but 'crazy' won't be one of them. And yet today turned out to be exactly that. Not the usual crazy stuff you end up doing in college but something very refreshing.
If you've ever visited the Pinjore gardens you would've probably seen the twelve feel high wall at the rear end, the passage to which leads through this huge mess of tress. At about ten in the night, that's two hours ago, I was standing on top of that wall and looking to a world beyond. I think I would never have done that but there's this friend of mine whose got all the guts in the world and he pushes me to do stuff I can never imagine myself doing. You get this eerie feeling while doing something crazy, as if every muscle in your body has conspired to make you let go, when your mind tells you to do the right thing and stop, but you've come too far to let go, and you get on with it anyway. And just when you think that you can't, you get this last gust of energy and suddenly, you're there. It's then that you realise what you've just done. And it feels like a battle won, a fear conquered.
But conquering the fear wasn't the end, rather it was just the beginning. After all the wall climbing, we had a quite dinner, and just when I thought that it was time to go back home, I realised the car keys were missing and I'd somehow dropped them at the ghastly place. And when I ran to get 'em back, it was fear as I had never really known it. Not of ghosts or animals, but of a truth staring right at my face. If the keys had fallen on the other side of the wall, there was no way back home. I was stuck and I could do nothing about it. But I'm home now, so that means I found the keys. As they shimmered in the fading moonlight which could just make it's way through the dense trees, I realised i wouldn't have been happier even if I had ended up locating a diamond. Reminds me of a some lyrics from a song called Affirmation 'You don't know what you got until it says goodbye'. And of all the things in the world, it had to be some stupid car keys. *Sighs*
It took nine desperate hours to put the circuit together the first time. Seemed good. Good enough to give me a peaceful sleep that night, only to wake me up to the horror of broken wires the next morning, their loose ends visible just like the ones my life was developing that instant. It was bad, and it made me tear the whole circuit apart.
And then Mr.'Frustrated' PD started again. Same old circuit with new wires and a new design. It's been five agonizing hours and finally the whole circuit looks like one piece, and well, so does my life. By the way, the circuit isn't acting the way it's supposed to (I wouldn't be writing this if it was), or rather, I should say the circuit isn't acting at all. I guess someone might say that it's a waste of five hours, but funnily enough, that's not the case. Our very respected college Professors are dumb, dumb enough to be fooled with a non-working circuit. It's been done before, and will be done again tomorrow. Atleast I've got something visible to show her, and that should turn out to be enough. But that's not the point. It's taken fourteen hours to get this done, hours which could have been spent doing much more useful (read, useless) stuff :P
Whoever adviced me to take Electronics. And whoever said Engineering was easy.
Feels good to be writing again. If anyone was wondering, my blog isn't dead, and neither am I. It's just been so long and there's been so much to write. Everytime something happened I would make a mental note of puttting in on my blog when my net connection finally worked, but suddenly sitting here right now, I don't feel like writing anything much.
Exams are over, and I completely sucked. After all the plans me and Raunaq made of redeeming our last semester's grades, I'm at a loss to say how it ended up being so bad. I studied, and that's the worst part of it. But atleast they are over, good for me.
My parents have seriously started doubting that I'm going out with someone after all the long hours in college, though unfortunately, that's not the case. I could only think of the Nokia N series tagline when my mum asked what keeps me in college so late. It's not one thing, I told her, it's many :P
The only apparent thing about my life right now is that I don't have one. Between the tens of projects that need to be completed and an even greater number of lectures that need to be attended, I miss lazing around uselessly at the cafe. I'm not sure if I want to sacrifice my college life for my 'greater good' anymore. But I guess it'll payoff someday, or rather, I hope it will.
Exams are over, and I completely sucked. After all the plans me and Raunaq made of redeeming our last semester's grades, I'm at a loss to say how it ended up being so bad. I studied, and that's the worst part of it. But atleast they are over, good for me.
My parents have seriously started doubting that I'm going out with someone after all the long hours in college, though unfortunately, that's not the case. I could only think of the Nokia N series tagline when my mum asked what keeps me in college so late. It's not one thing, I told her, it's many :P
The only apparent thing about my life right now is that I don't have one. Between the tens of projects that need to be completed and an even greater number of lectures that need to be attended, I miss lazing around uselessly at the cafe. I'm not sure if I want to sacrifice my college life for my 'greater good' anymore. But I guess it'll payoff someday, or rather, I hope it will.
It's tough, it's hectic, it's fun and it's mindblowing. It's life. Life for me, more or less, means college now, and finally things seem settled for the semester. A lot's been going on, most of it good. People and places have kept me busy, I've barely had to time to breathe. But that's the way I love it. Fast, challenging, fun. The spirit's high right now since I've almost done whatever I was supposed to for this week. I'm happy and that's rare :P. Though I make it a point now to feel good, to like what I do and appreciate everything around me. Try it, believe me it's good. :D
Everything's good. Hope it stays that way.
By the way, the OST of Dehli-6 is absolutely fab. MUST LISTEN!
Everything's good. Hope it stays that way.
By the way, the OST of Dehli-6 is absolutely fab. MUST LISTEN!
Masti hai masalon ki Dilli Dilli,
Gali hai deewanon ki Dilli-6.
Gali hai deewanon ki Dilli-6.
He had been dead before, and he was dead now. He had been dead before he had jumped and yes, he was definitely dead now. Children around him had grown up attempting to understand everything their lives had to offer; the security of a family, the love of a sibling, the innocence of youth and every other emotion that colored their lives. His eyes had never felt colors, or beauty, and so his heart had accepted darkness as a part of life. And death was the only thing he had ever truly understood about life. It had been his mother and sisters first, raped and burned alive. Then it had been his father. That was when he had died, only that his breath hadn’t left him.
He had been too young to understand religion then. And he had never really been sure ‘which’ people had destroyed his family and with it, his life. The anger and the tears had led to loneliness. Alone, he had been incapable of everything. But life always finds a way. His mind taught him to steal, and his mindset taught him to survive.
The meeting with the messengers had been a coincidence. They said they had a message for him, a message sent by God. They had made him remember his grief. The scene of his family’s death had always flashed in front of his eyes, but never before had it been so clear. His pain had never before been so apparent, his mind, never so obsessed. They spoke of retribution, and revenge. He had been powerless when they had been killed, but the messengers could give him power now. They spoke of the revolution, and sacrifice. He had been chosen for heaven by God himself, but before that, he had a final duty to perform. He had to avenge his family’s death. ’They’ had to be killed. His mind was a blank slate, and the messengers left no stone unturned to fill it with a deadly vengeance.
The training was grilling, but it gave him a reason to breathe, a reason to be. He was explained his final duty. The bomb would explode on sudden impact with the ground, they told him. His means of revenge, and of reaching heaven was strapped around his body. For the first time in his life, he anticipated something. Revenge was sweet.
There was never a dearth of visitors in the valley. The orange of the sun filled the sky as the vibrancy of life filled the air. The hills separated the valley from the waters on the other side. Everything from the setting exuded tranquility. Except for the man on top of the hills, bound by revenge. He felt the soft rubber across his chest, his key to freedom. All that was left to do now was to jump. The young child in the valley looked up at him for an instant, and then went back to playing with his car. It was then that he jumped. The hills were high, and gravity just didn’t seem fast enough. It was as if he was gliding through the air, reaching his final destination. And he was happy, because he knew he had done the right thing. He closed his eyes just before the final impact and smiled his first smile in a long time, and his last.
The young child was completely engrossed with his red car. The cold air from the mountains blew across his young face, and there wasn’t a care in the world. He looked up at the sudden noise of splashing waters that vibrated through the air. His brain was too young to comprehend that a man had just fallen into the lake beyond the hills, or even that his innocent smile to a stranger on the hilltop had changed the fate of many around him, or that his innocent look had made someone realize that this was not the enemy he was seeking, neither was this the conclusion he had ever anticipated. The sudden noise was forgotten. His wonderful red car was so much more important.
Every day when you open your eyes to a new beginning and life beckons. Every day when you create new memories. The smallest of gestures; when you look across the street and smile at that stranger. When you sit in the canteen with people you can call friends. When you don't have to say anything, it's there presence that reassures you, that they'll be there when you need them. Every time you walk, run and do what you wish to because you can. Every instant you think of that wonderful girl you truly love. Every minute when you don't have to bother about spending because you were blessed with the power to. Every day when you have a fight with your family and then you can't sleep until you've made up with them. Every time you have a bad day and you know that you have a comforting home to go back to. Every moment that you breathe, moments that make up your life. Every moment, believe. Believe that you're truly blessed, that things could have been so much worse. And thank everyone who makes your life special. People who gave you moments you would never forget. The smallest instances in your life when someone was there to cheer you up. The most ordinary of times that witnessed the creation of the most extraordinary bonds. And then Thank God for everything that you have, for this wonderful gift.
Here's Thanking all of you. Thank you so much for being there. And Thank You God!
They walked a very fine line,
the grey between the dark and bright.
He sometimes wondered why she felt so right.
Though love, he knew, it never was
and yet hate, it could not be,
‘cause hate just could not lead to such a wonderful cause.
A wine was poured, a coin was tossed
and it stood on its edge.
He almost smiled,
as the judgment proved his precocious thoughts.
She had been there all along,
had always been the wonderful friend,
and yet, he was tired of the gruesome trend.
Her happiness was a priority
and yet he couldn’t neglect his own any longer.
He had fallen before,
but the wounds had only made him stronger.
He wanted to know, he wanted to know.
The curiosity within him could no longer grow.
Did she love him,
or was it just a fake intuition?
He wanted to cross the bridge
without any hope or expectation.
Love me, he asked her,
or hate me, if you must.
An answer is all my heart yearns for
and it feels no less than a ruckus.
This fine line, I can no longer tread.
To nowhere, can it ever lead.
She just looked at him, and tried to smile.
There was nothing she could say,
the answer had always lain in her eyes.
It’s been hectic and at the end of it all there’s nothing much we left behind, just a few memories, a few laughs that we had shared within those walls, three stones and a dustbin. My room had been a part of everything I am, my best and my worst. That’s the place I saw my class 10 result in and, for the first time in my life, felt a sense of achievement. It’s the same room that saw me go through the frustrations of non medical and still emerge defeated at the end. Those walls were a part of me, the part that did not come along but was left behind. I have a somewhat bigger room now but it’s not mine, not yet, at least. I guess I’ll get used to it, as I’ll get used to walking up and down the stairs all the time. But I’ll still miss my room, and my house that now possesses a part of me, three stones and a dustbin.
