It took just one look in the mirror, and I knew. Its very easy to find faults in others, though equally hard to accept your follies. Girls or guys, there are very few people I can truly call friends. They have their weaknesses, but I can't forget that they accept me with mine, so I need to do the same. Point taken. Relief  :-D

By the end of May this year, this will all be over. And I'll know something then, something I'm dying to find out right now. Did I stretch myself too far? Is this the limit? 

Indian movies are not meant to be what Dev.D was. It takes guts to show women as this one did, and it takes guts to show reality as this one does. It was hard, and it was real. You might end up calling it an adult film, but the story is so much more than just that. 

I really don't want to start this post with endless references to the number of projects that need to be done, or the amount of work I need to complete, but really, that's the only thing going on right now. Today, I finally sat down to objectively find out exactly what needs to be done. Needless to say, the list was huge, and it's right now sitting pretty on the front of my cupboard, visible everytime I look up from the monitor screen. So every few minutes, this page of paper reminds me of the hopeless situation I'm in, and the only chance I have of getting any of this done is to stop writing this post and getting started. But I'm obviously not going to do that. I'm going to sit here and write useless stuff about monotonous days that don't even deserve a mention.

I could use a number of adjectives to describe myself but 'crazy' won't be one of them. And yet today turned out to be exactly that. Not the usual crazy stuff you end up doing in college but something very refreshing. 

It took nine desperate hours to put the circuit together the first time. Seemed good. Good enough to give me a peaceful sleep that night, only to wake me up to the horror of broken wires the next morning, their loose ends visible just like the ones my life was developing that instant. It was bad, and it made me tear the whole circuit apart. 

Feels good to be writing again. If anyone was wondering, my blog isn't dead, and neither am I. It's just been so long and there's been so much to write. Everytime something happened I would make a mental note of puttting in on my blog when my net connection finally worked, but suddenly sitting here right now, I don't feel like writing anything much.
Exams are over, and I completely sucked. After all the plans me and Raunaq made of redeeming our last semester's grades, I'm at a loss to say how it ended up being so bad. I studied, and that's the worst part of it. But atleast they are over, good for me.
My parents have seriously started doubting that I'm going out with someone after all the long hours in college, though unfortunately, that's not the case. I could only think of the Nokia N series tagline when my mum asked what keeps me in college so late. It's not one thing, I told her, it's many :P
The only apparent thing about my life right now is that I don't have one. Between the tens of projects that need to be completed and an even greater number of lectures that need to be attended, I miss lazing around uselessly at the cafe. I'm not sure if I want to sacrifice my college life for my 'greater good' anymore. But I guess it'll payoff someday, or rather, I hope it will.

The truth will come out one day, and it shall set you free.........

It's tough, it's hectic, it's fun and it's mindblowing. It's life. Life for me, more or less, means college now, and finally things seem settled for the semester. A lot's been going on, most of it good. People and places have kept me busy, I've barely had to time to breathe. But that's the way I love it. Fast, challenging, fun. The spirit's high right now since I've almost done whatever I was supposed to for this week. I'm happy and that's rare :P. Though I make it a point now to feel good, to like what I do and appreciate everything around me. Try it, believe me it's good. :D
Everything's good. Hope it stays that way.
By the way, the OST of Dehli-6 is absolutely fab. MUST LISTEN!

He had been dead before, and he was dead now. He had been dead before he had jumped and yes, he was definitely dead now. Children around him had grown up attempting to understand everything their lives had to offer; the security of a family, the love of a sibling, the innocence of youth and every other emotion that colored their lives. His eyes had never felt colors, or beauty, and so his heart had accepted darkness as a part of life. And death was the only thing he had ever truly understood about life. It had been his mother and sisters first, raped and burned alive. Then it had been his father. That was when he had died, only that his breath hadn’t left him.
He had been too young to understand religion then. And he had never really been sure ‘which’ people had destroyed his family and with it, his life. The anger and the tears had led to loneliness. Alone, he had been incapable of everything.  But life always finds a way. His mind taught him to steal, and his mindset taught him to survive.
The meeting with the messengers had been a coincidence. They said they had a message for him, a message sent by God. They had made him remember his grief. The scene of his family’s death had always flashed in front of his eyes, but never before had it been so clear. His pain had never before been so apparent, his mind, never so obsessed. They spoke of retribution, and revenge. He had been powerless when they had been killed, but the messengers could give him power now. They spoke of the revolution, and sacrifice. He had been chosen for heaven by God himself, but before that, he had a final duty to perform. He had to avenge his family’s death. ’They’ had to be killed. His mind was a blank slate, and the messengers left no stone unturned to fill it with a deadly vengeance.
The training was grilling, but it gave him a reason to breathe, a reason to be. He was explained his final duty. The bomb would explode on sudden impact with the ground, they told him. His means of revenge, and of reaching heaven was strapped around his body.  For the first time in his life, he anticipated something. Revenge was sweet.

There was never a dearth of visitors in the valley. The orange of the sun filled the sky as the vibrancy of life filled the air. The hills separated the valley from the waters on the other side. Everything from the setting exuded tranquility. Except for the man on top of the hills, bound by revenge. He felt the soft rubber across his chest, his key to freedom. All that was left to do now was to jump. The young child in the valley looked up at him for an instant, and then went back to playing with his car. It was then that he jumped. The hills were high, and gravity just didn’t seem fast enough. It was as if he was gliding through the air, reaching his final destination. And he was happy, because he knew he had done the right thing. He closed his eyes just before the final impact and smiled his first smile in a long time, and his last.
The young child was completely engrossed with his red car. The cold air from the mountains blew across his young face, and there wasn’t a care in the world. He looked up at the sudden noise of splashing waters that vibrated through the air. His brain was too young to comprehend that a man had just fallen into the lake beyond the hills, or even that his innocent smile to a stranger on the hilltop had changed the fate of many around him, or that his innocent look had made someone realize that this was not the enemy he was seeking, neither was this the conclusion he had ever anticipated. The sudden noise was forgotten. His wonderful red car was so much more important.

Every day when you open your eyes to a new beginning and life beckons. Every day when you create new memories. The smallest of gestures; when you look across the street and smile at that stranger. When you sit in the canteen with people you can call friends. When you don't have to say anything, it's there presence that reassures you, that they'll be there when you need them. Every time you walk, run and do what you wish to because you can. Every instant you think of that wonderful girl you truly love. Every minute when you don't have to bother about spending because you were blessed with the power to. Every day when you have a fight with your family and then you can't sleep until you've made up with them. Every time you have a bad day and you know that you have a comforting home to go back to. Every moment that you breathe, moments that make up your life. Every moment, believe. Believe that you're truly blessed, that things could have been so much worse. And thank everyone who makes your life special. People who gave you moments you would never forget. The smallest instances in your life when someone was there to cheer you up. The most ordinary of times that witnessed the creation of the most extraordinary bonds. And then Thank God for everything that you have, for this wonderful gift.

They walked a very fine line,
the grey between the dark and bright.
He sometimes wondered why she felt so right.
Though love, he knew, it never was
and yet hate, it could not be,
‘cause hate just could not lead to such a wonderful cause.
A wine was poured, a coin was tossed
and it stood on its edge.
He almost smiled,
as the judgment proved his precocious thoughts.
She had been there all along,
had always been the wonderful friend,
and yet, he was tired of the gruesome trend.
Her happiness was a priority
and yet he couldn’t neglect his own any longer.
He had fallen before,
but the wounds had only made him stronger.
He wanted to know, he wanted to know.
The curiosity within him could no longer grow.
Did she love him,
or was it just a fake intuition?
He wanted to cross the bridge
without any hope or expectation.
Love me, he asked her,
or hate me, if you must.
An answer is all my heart yearns for
and it feels no less than a ruckus.
This fine line, I can no longer tread.
To nowhere, can it ever lead.
She just looked at him, and tried to smile.
There was nothing she could say,
the answer had always lain in her eyes.

So I'm 19. Still younger than most in college, though I have started feeling older.Every year after my birthday I think I have seen enough and yet life throws up a new surprise, a new challenge, a new something to achieve. Every year I think about what an idiot I was the previous year, or the year before, and it makes me feel good, that atleast I'm making progress and that I'll get 'there' someday.
I've celebrated birthdays before but surprises were never in the offering. There was one today though, and all thanks to the three who made it happen, ever so sweetly: Roni, Parul, Karan, I can't thank you enough! Looking forward to the party on sunday. 
Gosh, I'm 19. It hasn't sunk in yet. But either way, something tells me the best is yet to come :)

There are rockstars, there are beauty queens, there are brainy nerds, and then there are the rest of us. There seems to be no category I truly fit in, though I would count myself as being a bit of this, and a bit of that. I chanced upon this amazing looking girl on youtube who has the sweetest voice I've ever heard, and that's got me thinking. There is nothing I can say I'm very good at, no talents I possess more than anyone else and I've had enough of being average or just above it. I even study in an average college, now that I come to think of it.
There are people who work very hard and get great jobs, then there are others who don't work at all but end up having the prettiest girlfriends and yet again, I belong to neither category. I'm not even bad at anything much and that truly pisses me off. I mean, I've been treading this 'average' line for long enough and it's high time I chose to be really good or found myself to be really bad at something. It's also high time I cared about my own feelings more than somebody else's. I need that comfort, this way or that. I hope to get going on that front before the holidays end.

She was the spark he had always needed in his life, but was he? She completed him in a way no other could. He knew it, and for her, he could do anything. And he did not want anything in return, not even love. He just hoped that she would smile forever, that nothing in her life would ever be wrong, that he would be lucky enough to have her grief to himself, so that she would never have to face it. He thought about telling her how he felt, but a lot stood in the way. He was ordinary, just another someone, not good enough for the fairy who had brought magic into his life. The fairy needed a prince, and she would find one, one day. His friends asked him to tell her, kept telling him he had no guts, that he was a loser. For her happiness, he was ready to be that.

“Do you love me?”
“Yes, very much darling, what made you ask that?”
“I just wanted to hear you say...” She looked through his eyes and into his heart, and therein she found herself. In that instant, she knew all over again that she loved him.
He could see the green light blinking by her side, reminding him of the time passing by. He turned to look at her, her calm face studying him intently, as if he were some interesting antique. Those blue eyes, deep as an ocean, an ocean he lovingly drowned in, every time he looked at them. He still remembered the first time he had seen those magnificent eyes, sometimes it seemed like a lifetime ago, but on other days, like today, it seemed as if it had been yesterday.
“Excuse me professor, can you please tell me the way to the library?” The sun might have been shining then, but as he had looked at her, he had realized why the room had become brighter. He had forgotten his lines; he had forgotten he was playing the role of a professor in the college play. Two days later he had even messed up the play. But amongst everything unsolicited, one thing had been welcome, the one that had mattered most. He had seen it in a number of movies, read it in a number of books but the magic of the moment when he knew she was the one, was beyond description. It was as if he had been set free and yet he was tied, tied to her. It was like the wind, always around; like the stars, always there but invisible till the right moment arrives. He thought he had always known this feeling and yet he didn’t know what the feeling was.
The beep was loud, loud enough to bring him back to the present.
“ I’m so sorry dear, you had messed up that play because of me.” She murmured. Had she been reading his mind?  “Oh dear, it’s absolutely fine. You don’t have to worry about that now. Whatever I lost in the play, I got back a hundredfold by finding you.” He smiled.
She knew it wasn’t one of his ‘those’ smiles. She would sometimes wonder how she had gotten to know someone better than she had ever known herself. She just had to look at his face to know his mind. She knew what he would say before he said it, it was like a code on his face, and only her eyes held the key. She knew his smiles, knew when he actually meant them. The one right now didn’t come from his heart. But he had good reason for it. She was herself having a tough time feigning a smile in front of him.

He longed for something to say to her. He wanted to make sure nothing was left. His mind was overflowing with thoughts, and yet his lips would not part. He had a strange feeling that if his lips parted, they would not meet again, that he would not be able to stop himself if he started. He was afraid of his own self, afraid of how he might act if he let himself go.
The beep was getting faster now, and so was his pulse. He blocked out everything from his eerie white surroundings, and took her hand in his. Her touch calmed him. The warmth of her body spread through his veins, blocking out the chill that he knew would resurface. And yet he wanted to ‘live’ her this moment, he wanted to feel her warmth as it caressed his every nerve, as it flowed through every living cell within him, passing on the message of their love. He would miss her warmth, he thought. And it was then that he started to cry. He had known for a long time now that the storm was coming, the storm that would rip apart his life, and more importantly, his love. His world had been shattered then, and the broken pieces were coming back to stab him now, one final time.
Six months it had been. Six months since he had heard that deadly sentence. Every word had struck him, filling his life with a poison that he knew would be there forever. “She doesn’t have much time now. At most, six months” the doctor had said before leaving. And along with the doctor, leaving him was every dream he had ever witnessed, every smile he had ever smiled, every hope he had ever conjured.
He had stood there, unmoved, powerless, defeated with the dead remains of what had been, till a few moments ago, his life. They had cried together, they had complained, they had prayed and then they had cried some more. They had cried together because they could not let each other go, but fate does not always give choices, only judgments. And then they had decided to stand by that judgment, to give themselves to each other, to smile in every sunrise and never to cry for the final sunset that they knew they must endure.
But their resolve had been broken today as they saw the final shade of their love, just before the sunset. The friends and relatives had left; they were alone as she lived through her final moments. She wasn’t crying any longer, there wasn’t any strength left. Every muscle in her body hurt, every breath filled her with pain. She knew it was coming, and she was ready now. She just had one last thing to say to him,
“Always, be.”
Her hand hit the bed with a slight thud, as her lifeless eyes gazed somewhere beyond. The last tear hadn’t quite left her eyelashes and her lips still curved to form the ‘be’ she had said. He still had her hand in his, and most importantly, he still loved her. He had always thought that he would die if she did, but she had told him to be, and so he shall..

It's over, for now atleast. But it doesn't leave me any happier. No reason why it should be that way. Specially because your mind tends to get obssesed with that date, the last date of exams, and you just begin to believe that that day would be great.