I waste around half a day everyday sleeping in classes and getting myself through labs in a college that I've given up on. I have started to prepare for my post grad studies which is going to take pretty much the whole of my college life from now on. I am probably going to do my MBA from a good B-School (hopefully, at least) where (from what I hear) spending ten hours a day on your college work isn't enough. And then, I am going to land up some sixteen hours a day kind of jobs with a good pay package for some corporate bigwig where the whole mantra would be to make profit.

As I start this race today, I Pledge that I will have faith, that I will believe. And One Day, I'll be The Best.

I never thought it would be Theodore Bagwell's words that I'll carry with me when the series ends, but here I am, ' a prisoner of my own freedom, caught in the captivity of negativity'. It really didn't mean much when I heard it the first time but it seems so apparent now. We keep telling ourselves that we are free, that no one controls us but our own self. But does it? Every time we run after freedom, it's exactly what we lose. Because we are controlled by it, by our own freedoms, by the fact that we can't sleep till we have it, and we can never have enough of it. And here we are then, prisoners of our own freedoms, enslaved by the very idea that is supposed to set us free. And we can't break out of it, because it's a part of who we are.

Sem 5 is finally rolling and after two days in college I have no particular feeling about being back there. College has been good, bad and ugly at times but it's never been mundane, and now it seems to be becoming exactly that. There was always something worthwhile to look forward to, something I could keep my mind on, and drag myself through the umpteen classes. Now though it's just classes and when they finally get over for the day, I'm left wondering as to what exactly to do in that place. Wish something cool would come up soon (and by that, I definitely don't mean PecFest).

I really need to figure out what I want from life. It sucks not knowing.

This is something I haven't given much thought to, having always been comfortable with my set of friends, and my share of the usual jokes and the fun. But it's suddenly become very apparent and I can't help but wonder where I'm headed. People don't remain the same once they commit to someone, something I learned the hard way with most of my friends. And now if I look around me, majority of the people I call my closest friends are either committed or on the verge of being and it's getting scarier by the day. It's bad enough not being high enough on your best friends' priority list, even worse when you know that you're dependent on them because you yourself can't find a girl 'worthy' enough to hang out with. And that's the whole point. I just can't get myself to hang around with someone just for the sake of it and the perfect girl I keep hoping for just doesn't seem to turn up. It's like I might lose the good girls I know if I keep waiting for the perfect someone, who doesn't exactly exist.

As a young boy, I always used to wonder why everything that I enjoyed and really wanted to do was considered inappropriate and futile. Why everything I, or any man for that matter, wanted from my life was not the right thing, and I was supposed to do things they considered right. It's a question that plagues most of us initially, but then we get used to the practical way of life and forget about such mundane things as 'our' happiness and 'our' enjoyment. We should live for other's happiness, they say, because it is virtuous. But is it?

It's been a long time and I've had nothing much to talk about, except a training and a coaching class that keep me busier than I am during the semester. Things have been going on, some of them not all that boring, and yet I just don't feel like mentioning anything. Damn, what's gotten into me. Bugger!

Chhoone hain,,, taare ise...

There is always a bigger plan they say, a master design. My mind says I can't understand it. And my heart says I don't need to.
Let's just keep going till we can.
And we can always cross the bridge when we get to it :D

The waves that once crashed in the sea,
would leave their mark for everyone to see.
They might die down, never to rise again.
But the stories they once witnessed
would always be passed among the brethren.
Stories of love and stories of joy,
stories of glory, and of the times gone by.
Time may fly, and memories might fade,
But the love shall remain,
in the hearts of the lucky few, who witnessed those days.
You move on, you take the road ahead,
But never forget this place, where you once used to tread.
And never forget us, the ones you leave behind.
As I would never forget you,
because you were as good a friend, as any could ever find.
With that message, I say adieu.
May our friendship forever remain so true.
May our friendship forever remain so true.

The final goodbye was always a step away. There was always one more meeting to look forward to before that dreaded moment of farewell. The moment came, and then it flew away. And it left nothing behind, except a hope. A hope that maybe we will be fortunate enough to meet again, that maybe our paths will cross one day. A hope that this really wasn't the final goodbye. And as someone pointed out, we say goodbye only to meet again, and we can make it happen if we really want to. This time, I know I will make it happen.
It's hard to accept the truth staring right in my face. They won't be there in college anymore. No more will I rush through my boring classes looking forward to meet them. The cycle is complete, the end has ended. And no matter how hard I might try, it won't change a thing. It is as hopeless as any situation could be. And yet, you find hope in the darkest of times. I too, have one little hope to cling on to, the convocation. 
There is so much you want to say at such a time, and yet there is no word that would come when you need it to. You just look at each other, and you know that they understand what you want to say. That one look says a lot more than a thousand words could ever mean.
I loved them, and I will miss them more than they could ever imagine. And today, its a pledge I take. That no matter how busy I might get, I will always make the effort to keep in touch. They may or may not reply all the time, but I'll never let them forget that there's someone they left behind here, someone who cares. Someone who loves them, and will always do. May our friendship forever remain so true. 

"Those were the best days of my life......"
And the song ended. A lot, that moment, ended with the song. And it was this unknown feeling that drove that time, and it left me surprised. I'm not even close to being a good dancer, but that moment was passion. Passion, like I've never known within me ever before. I broke my breath shouting, and almost broke my legs jumping. But as it so rightly says in the song, it was now or never, and I gave it everything I had in me. To have that one last dance with people I so love. The dance left me more than exhausted but I'm so sure that I would have stood up and danced again, had I gotten a chance, no matter what. And I'll say it again. It was passion like I've never known within me ever before.
The semester too, came to an end. And as I look back now, it seemed to last forever.  And even forever wasn't good enough. We could have spent lifetimes with each other, and it wouldn't have been enough.
But no matter what I did this semester, I know that I gave it my all. Wether it was the project, college acads, or anything else that I did. I did it, and I did it with all that I had in me. The results were never really in my hand, and I'll be getting very bad ones this time. But still, I know, that even in hindsight, I could not have scripted it better than what it actually was. To hell with every C grade I'm getting, and to hell with college. I fought, and that leaves me very satisfied. This might seem like too much of an exaggeration, but this sem has been nothing less than that.
With all the pressures and all the tension, this semester gave me some awesome friends and for that, I can't be thankful enough to God.

Just when he thought he could live, God would give him another reason not to.
He would get up and move forward to seek what he so blindly desired. His impatience multiplying with every step, his eager eyes running wild within those tiny sockets and with a heart filled with anticipation, he would move forward to embrace happiness. The dagger would come out of nowhere, and it would peirce through his very heart. Stroke after stroke, precisely where it pained the most. And it was not blood that would flow, but tears, not where another soul could see them, or even his own. But he knew somewhere inside he was bleeding tears, and it was not the pain that worried him, but the eternal stains that would now be left behind. Stains that tied him to the present, keeping him there, stagnant, when the present became the past.
And just as the dagger had once come, unforeseen, there would be light again, beckoning him, untying him from all that was old, making him move towards what was new. And then he would move forward to embrace what he so blindly desired.     
The master would play his game again, the inexorable cycle once set in motion. He would move forward with a new courage, a newer hope, but would still carry with him the old stains, everlasting and unforgotten.

Because 'everything' wasn't good enough for her, God decided to give her a lot more. Everyone gets their share of good times, but there are very few, who deserve a lot more than just their usual set of joys. And when you are witness to one such moment, you can only watch dumbstruck as the master reveals his mystery; you can only look in awe at the miracle unfolding right in front of your eyes. There is a sense of happiness because someone finally got what they had to, but it is not so much about the result, more so about the path that lead to the result. Two hours today, changed someone's life and it changed the way I look at life. It made me believe. Yes, miracles happen. You just have to try hard enough, and long enough.

Someone, in a very very polite way and without ever saying a thing showed me today how much I suck at writing.

There are basically three things on my mind right now,

How can you have days like these, and moments like these, and not believe ?

It took three sleepless nights. 72 hours. And then the LED lit up my life. I'm ecstatic :D

Let us do away with everything we call life. Let us release everything that holds us back. Let us let go of all our wants. Let us close our eyes and feel the music in every sound, experience the rhythm of the world around. Let us open our eyes to the beauty of what we have. Let us let go of the complications that cloud our mind. Let us not remember the unanswered questions. Let us know only one truth, that we are here, so lets make the most of it. Lets allow peace to reach us for once. Let it flow through our body, let it stay. Lets smile, for no particular reason. Let us not care what they might think. Let us do away with everything we call life. And lets, live. 

I'll really miss these days when they are over, I'll really miss these people when they are no longer there. This is one thing I never wanted to think about, and yet everytime I laugh out with them, I'm  reminded of the impending end. And then the laughter dies down, and there's this feeling of not being in control. If only, they could stay. To hell with practicality.