Twenty minutes before an interview, she chats away to a very nervous guy sitting next to her. Somebody looks at her for the first time and has no particular feeling about it. He talks to her and notices something about her. She is not the kind that he is used to.

Take a deep breath right now, and close your mind. Stop thinking. Stop thinking about the bad that happened yesterday, or the good that you're looking forward to. And feel yourself in this particular moment, not dependent on any other, just this moment, just you. Feel at home.

I don't want them in my life, any of them.

Allah ke bande has de, Allah ke bande,

You can make a brave face in front of everyone, the smile is always there for the showing, the careful shrug of the shoulders to show how you didn't care. But it's yourself that you cannot fake or pretend in front of. It's in front of yourself that you're powerless because there's no place to hide, not in front of your own eyes. You can give 'reasons' to others, but your self knows the naked truth and that is what hurts the most. Being alone in times like these is not easy, it's frightening to say the least. It's all inside you, every boil of frustration and there's only one person to take it out on. Yourself.

I recently had a lecture in this room and it turned out to be a very pleasant surprise. It brought back memories of the time I had spent in that room as a freshman. There was something about the second semester, about attending lectures with a panache of doing well, the madness of it all; the naive (mis)understanding of what college life was. The road ahead was blocked, the puzzle totally incomprehensible. And ignorance was bliss.

It doesn't matter in an examination wether you knew the question paper or wether you studied hard to complete the syllabi. The only that matters is what you write on the answer sheet.

There is an pessimist that resides in each one of us. And then there is the optimist. Sometimes you look up at the sky and it only appears black; it becomes the boundary you cannot cross. And yet at times you look up, and freedom beckons.

I waste around half a day everyday sleeping in classes and getting myself through labs in a college that I've given up on. I have started to prepare for my post grad studies which is going to take pretty much the whole of my college life from now on. I am probably going to do my MBA from a good B-School (hopefully, at least) where (from what I hear) spending ten hours a day on your college work isn't enough. And then, I am going to land up some sixteen hours a day kind of jobs with a good pay package for some corporate bigwig where the whole mantra would be to make profit.

As I start this race today, I Pledge that I will have faith, that I will believe. And One Day, I'll be The Best.

I never thought it would be Theodore Bagwell's words that I'll carry with me when the series ends, but here I am, ' a prisoner of my own freedom, caught in the captivity of negativity'. It really didn't mean much when I heard it the first time but it seems so apparent now. We keep telling ourselves that we are free, that no one controls us but our own self. But does it? Every time we run after freedom, it's exactly what we lose. Because we are controlled by it, by our own freedoms, by the fact that we can't sleep till we have it, and we can never have enough of it. And here we are then, prisoners of our own freedoms, enslaved by the very idea that is supposed to set us free. And we can't break out of it, because it's a part of who we are.

Sem 5 is finally rolling and after two days in college I have no particular feeling about being back there. College has been good, bad and ugly at times but it's never been mundane, and now it seems to be becoming exactly that. There was always something worthwhile to look forward to, something I could keep my mind on, and drag myself through the umpteen classes. Now though it's just classes and when they finally get over for the day, I'm left wondering as to what exactly to do in that place. Wish something cool would come up soon (and by that, I definitely don't mean PecFest).

I really need to figure out what I want from life. It sucks not knowing.

This is something I haven't given much thought to, having always been comfortable with my set of friends, and my share of the usual jokes and the fun. But it's suddenly become very apparent and I can't help but wonder where I'm headed. People don't remain the same once they commit to someone, something I learned the hard way with most of my friends. And now if I look around me, majority of the people I call my closest friends are either committed or on the verge of being and it's getting scarier by the day. It's bad enough not being high enough on your best friends' priority list, even worse when you know that you're dependent on them because you yourself can't find a girl 'worthy' enough to hang out with. And that's the whole point. I just can't get myself to hang around with someone just for the sake of it and the perfect girl I keep hoping for just doesn't seem to turn up. It's like I might lose the good girls I know if I keep waiting for the perfect someone, who doesn't exactly exist.

As a young boy, I always used to wonder why everything that I enjoyed and really wanted to do was considered inappropriate and futile. Why everything I, or any man for that matter, wanted from my life was not the right thing, and I was supposed to do things they considered right. It's a question that plagues most of us initially, but then we get used to the practical way of life and forget about such mundane things as 'our' happiness and 'our' enjoyment. We should live for other's happiness, they say, because it is virtuous. But is it?

It's been a long time and I've had nothing much to talk about, except a training and a coaching class that keep me busier than I am during the semester. Things have been going on, some of them not all that boring, and yet I just don't feel like mentioning anything. Damn, what's gotten into me. Bugger!

Chhoone hain,,, taare ise...

There is always a bigger plan they say, a master design. My mind says I can't understand it. And my heart says I don't need to.
Let's just keep going till we can.
And we can always cross the bridge when we get to it :D

The waves that once crashed in the sea,
would leave their mark for everyone to see.
They might die down, never to rise again.
But the stories they once witnessed
would always be passed among the brethren.
Stories of love and stories of joy,
stories of glory, and of the times gone by.
Time may fly, and memories might fade,
But the love shall remain,
in the hearts of the lucky few, who witnessed those days.
You move on, you take the road ahead,
But never forget this place, where you once used to tread.
And never forget us, the ones you leave behind.
As I would never forget you,
because you were as good a friend, as any could ever find.
With that message, I say adieu.
May our friendship forever remain so true.
May our friendship forever remain so true.

The final goodbye was always a step away. There was always one more meeting to look forward to before that dreaded moment of farewell. The moment came, and then it flew away. And it left nothing behind, except a hope. A hope that maybe we will be fortunate enough to meet again, that maybe our paths will cross one day. A hope that this really wasn't the final goodbye. And as someone pointed out, we say goodbye only to meet again, and we can make it happen if we really want to. This time, I know I will make it happen.
It's hard to accept the truth staring right in my face. They won't be there in college anymore. No more will I rush through my boring classes looking forward to meet them. The cycle is complete, the end has ended. And no matter how hard I might try, it won't change a thing. It is as hopeless as any situation could be. And yet, you find hope in the darkest of times. I too, have one little hope to cling on to, the convocation. 
There is so much you want to say at such a time, and yet there is no word that would come when you need it to. You just look at each other, and you know that they understand what you want to say. That one look says a lot more than a thousand words could ever mean.
I loved them, and I will miss them more than they could ever imagine. And today, its a pledge I take. That no matter how busy I might get, I will always make the effort to keep in touch. They may or may not reply all the time, but I'll never let them forget that there's someone they left behind here, someone who cares. Someone who loves them, and will always do. May our friendship forever remain so true. 

"Those were the best days of my life......"
And the song ended. A lot, that moment, ended with the song. And it was this unknown feeling that drove that time, and it left me surprised. I'm not even close to being a good dancer, but that moment was passion. Passion, like I've never known within me ever before. I broke my breath shouting, and almost broke my legs jumping. But as it so rightly says in the song, it was now or never, and I gave it everything I had in me. To have that one last dance with people I so love. The dance left me more than exhausted but I'm so sure that I would have stood up and danced again, had I gotten a chance, no matter what. And I'll say it again. It was passion like I've never known within me ever before.
The semester too, came to an end. And as I look back now, it seemed to last forever.  And even forever wasn't good enough. We could have spent lifetimes with each other, and it wouldn't have been enough.
But no matter what I did this semester, I know that I gave it my all. Wether it was the project, college acads, or anything else that I did. I did it, and I did it with all that I had in me. The results were never really in my hand, and I'll be getting very bad ones this time. But still, I know, that even in hindsight, I could not have scripted it better than what it actually was. To hell with every C grade I'm getting, and to hell with college. I fought, and that leaves me very satisfied. This might seem like too much of an exaggeration, but this sem has been nothing less than that.
With all the pressures and all the tension, this semester gave me some awesome friends and for that, I can't be thankful enough to God.